


What did your heart tell you?

by RickStoryTeller



Series: The 100: Clarke and Lexa [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Reconciliation, Romance, The 100 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:40:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3601848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RickStoryTeller/pseuds/RickStoryTeller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Season 2 finale.  Clarke has enough of wandering and wants answers from Lexa as to why she abandoned her at Mount Weather.  She journeys to the Grounder Capital, Polis, to confront Lexa, and not only discovers that sometimes leadership can have a heavy personal price, but also that a serious threat is looming as a consequence of her actions in the final fight with the Mountain Men.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What did your heart tell you?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fanfiction, based on reading the many published interviews and reviews of the show and it's stars/producers along with personal observations made from watching the show. It's also based on the fact that I love Lexa's character and think she is the best character to grace our screen in a long time. I do not hold any rights to the show and just like everyone else, am eagerly awaiting season 3. This is a long piece of fiction but I hope you enjoy it.

Despite her reasons for being there, Clarke was impressed. Polis wasn’t a grounder camp or village, it was a city. It had buildings. Granted, they were mainly built up from the ruins of what had been there before, but the place was recognisable as ‘old earth’, there had been houses along her route into the Grounder capital and now, here in the centre, large municipal looking buildings that she had only ever seen in history materials on the Ark. Office blocks, a building with pillars that might have been a library or courthouse. Some possibly used for the same purpose, others for new, their original purposes long forgotten in the flames of nuclear apocalypse. 

She wandered through a large market in the centre and took time looking around, enjoying the bustle and the colours. The sun was bright and warm and for a fleeting moment she forgot why she was here, what she felt she needed to do. There weren’t just Grounders she recognised as Tree clans, there were others, different tribal tattoos, different styles of dress. A city open to all. A far cry from the fortified sites of TonDC or Camp Jaha.

She absent-mindedly thought back to what Lexa had once said, “Polis will change the way you think about us.”

The thought stuck in her throat – even that small memory of something so hopeful had brought back memories of what happened next, of standing alone outside a impenetrable entrance, tears stinging her eyes, confusion and shock in her mind and hope slipping away fast. It brought back the memory of an impossible choice, a life-altering decision, a camera view of her mother screaming in pain and another of innocent children and allies dying. The memory of walking away from what should have been a happy victory towards two months of solitude and lonely reflection.

She thought back to the events that brought her to this point. To Polis.

***

It had been two months before she met the Grounder, just a random villager out collecting wood for his village and his family. He had recognised her somehow and had stared at her in awe. 

“Clarke, skykru?” he had asked and she had nodded. He had started talking very fast and she couldn’t understand everything he said although she had recognised words that seemed to indicate he had heard that she had killed the mountain men. It had disturbed her, she didn’t want reminding, just to start anew. It was no use talking to this man as only warriors knew English. Villagers just knew Trigedasleng. She had shaken her head to try to indicate she wasn’t Clarke of the sky-people after all and had walked away quickly.

Shortly after she had suffered through two more of these encounters. The last two Grounders looked like traders of some kind, of a clan she couldn’t recognise. She took a chance, hoping that merchants would know different clan dialects and she asked if they could talk English.

“Yes” one had replied, “You are her? Clarke of the sky-people?”

Clarke reluctantly replied “Yes”, her hand closing round the gun in her pocket, just in case. It turned out that she was the stuff of legends.

“You have saved us from the mountain men.”

“Lexa the commander saved your people. She made the truce with them. Not me.” Clarke said with a note of bitterness in her voice.

“Yes, but you killed them. An army of thousands destroyed by your hand and you have freed us.”

“Thousands? It wasn-“, she stopped, thought ‘What’s the point?’

“You’re welcome.” She replied, slightly confused and sarcastically before turning to walk off. She was too tired and just wanted to melt away into the background. Then she stopped. She thought to herself ‘I can’t disappear dressed like this. Recognisable’. She turned back to the traders and asked “Trade?”

She had taken the opportunity at that time to trade the black leather coat she had been wearing, since the Mount Weather battle, for different clothing they had on their cart, along with a head shawl. She didn’t want to walk around being recognised like that, maybe if she looked different people wouldn’t bother her. The traders were only too happy to own the coat that the legendary Clarke of the sky-people had worn at the victory over the mountain men.

She was going to leave when she finally realised she couldn’t just carry on like this, wandering with no clear purpose. She was eighteen, she had years ahead of her and, more than that, she needed answers.

“Have you been to TonDC?” Clarke asked the traders.

“Yes, why Clarke of the sky-people?” one replied.

“Is the commander there?” She asked.

“Heda? No, they tell us she left the morning after the battle.”

Clarke’s brow furrowed. She hadn’t even stuck around after her ‘Victory’?

“Do you know where she’s gone?” Clarke asked.

The traders looked at each other before one said “She rode to Polis, to try and hold the alliance of the twelve clans together.”

‘Ok’, thought Clarke ‘last question’.

“Polis. How do I get there?”

The traders were only too happy to oblige and gave her directions.

***

Clarke looked around the centre of the capital. She was sure she was in the right place. The traders had told her that Lexa would be at the senate building most days and staying in the accommodation to the rear of the same building, where visiting dignitaries were put up. The senate was where the political, if you could call it that, discussions of the clan alliance took place in public. There were two statues of lions at the front steps. Now where were they?

Her limited vocabulary, especially in a place like this, where multiple dialects meant she couldn’t understand everyone, put paid to asking for simple directions. She had started to get frustrated from wandering about when, she saw them. Two large white stone lions at the base of a short flight of wide steps, leading past a rectangle shaped water feature to a large building that had obviously been repaired after severe damage.

There were many people going in and out of this building and it seemed that anyone was free to enter. She pulled the head shawl over her hair and, lowering her head, entered the building.

She could hear jeering coming from the centre of the building and made her way towards it. It sounded like something was in session in the largest looking chamber. She walked past two heavily armed warriors at the entrance to the chamber and was relieved that they didn’t even look at her. This was obviously an advanced city with its own set of rules and security regulations. Far apart from the villages back where Camp Jaha and TonDC were.

She slipped in quietly and saw a row of seats along the far wall, behind a long wooden table set up on a plinth. The rest of the room was full of a mixture of warriors, and civilians. She looked at the table and saw twelve people there. Each as different from the others as you could get. The representatives of the twelve clans. Each representative had a personal guard standing behind them. The person in the fourth seat from the right was the one she had come to see. Lexa.

Lexa was on her feet, dressed in her lightweight armour as always. No war paint. She looked so young compared to the other occupants of the table, who appeared much older. She looked as commanding as always but Clarke could see something was wrong. She had always been able to ‘See right through’ Lexa and had told her so before now.

Lexa appeared to be trying to make a point of some kind, using a dialect that wasn’t always the same as Trigedasleng. Was this a dialect used just here? So everyone could understand each other? She couldn’t be sure. Clarke recognised one term, however, skykru. Whenever Lexa mentioned it, it appeared to be met with concern and shouted accusations of some kind. On hearing that term, a large heavy set man with a long black beard and scars on his face, smashed his fist down on the table and shouted something at Lexa to cheers from the floor. Lexa paused impatiently, looking as if she was going to pull out her sword and run him through. She continued her speech. The woman in the seat next to Lexa wasn’t saying anything but looked concerned at the reception the commander was receiving. Lexa looked like she was having a bad time of it. ‘This doesn’t seem good’ Clarke thought. The last time she had heard protestations when the skykru were mentioned had been the day they had returned to the village for Finn’s death ritual. That time they were being called murderers. This was on a much larger scale.

Clarke looked at the other occupants of the table. The woman at the far left of the table was not happy with Lexa at all. The way this woman and her guard were dressed, triggered a thought. Ice Nation? 

Lexa tried desperately to convince the crowd of something and then all hell broke loose. Clarke wished she had spent more time trying to understand Trigedasleng. Several of the representatives began yelling and the woman on the left rose and stormed off, followed by seven of the others, including the table smashing man – he was huge. A giant, compared to Lexa, and Clarke was slightly impressed that the commander could project the appearance of confidence in from of him. The spectators started filing out of the chamber, some in angry discussion, others simply shaking their heads. The look on Lexa’s face, as the chamber emptied however, concerned Clarke. She looked vulnerable somehow, worried, scared or in something way over her head even?

Was this even a good idea, Clarke thought to herself as she watched the remaining representatives gather around Lexa talking rapidly. The young woman Clarke knew as a fearless warrior and leader looked pale as she listened to the others. She spoke to them as a group, in fast, hushed tones. Something was very wrong and Clarke wondered if she should turn around, there and then, deal with the pain a return would bring, and head back to camp Jaha. She was sure those violent sounding jeers were about her people.

She couldn’t help watching Lexa, though. She still held her responsible, in part, for the events of that night at Mount Weather. She understood why Lexa had made the decision she did. She saved her people with minimal bloodshed, but had then left Clarke to do the unthinkable. Clarke couldn’t help feeling concerned for Lexa, however. This world had gone back to the dark ages where a person could be killed in an instant, or executed in a brutal fashion. As much as Clarke wanted to yell at Lexa, hit her even, she wouldn’t want to see her die, or worse. The connection was still there, which is why she had come looking for answers.

While watching her, Clarke hadn’t noticed the head shawl fall back to her shoulders as people had brushed past her while exiting the chamber. Lexa was now gripping hands with the others in a sort of handshake. They started to leave and Lexa sank into one of the chairs, staring blankly at the table. She leaned forward and put her face in her hands.

Clarke frowned. This was really not the Lexa she knew. The Lexa who once looked over several hundred warriors, with a smile on her face while getting ready for war. If Lexa was that desperate then things were bad.

Lexa took a deep breath and leaned back. Her eyes flicked up and stopped on Clarke. They grew wide and looked shocked, even fearful.

“Clarke?” She mouthed quietly.

***

They were in the private chambers that Lexa had been using. Lexa had hurriedly ushered Clarke out of the senate chamber and up to this private room.

“Leave us, it will be fine.” Lexa had said to her guard and he had left the room, closing the heavy wooden door behind him. Clarke knew he would be just outside, silently waiting to launch into action at a call from his commander.

She turned to Clarke, who was now looking at Lexa with those piercing blue eyes that could put Lexa off her footing at a glance. In front of those eyes, she felt clumsy, losing her power for an instant, no matter how hard she tried not to. This surprise visit had come at a bad time and Lexa knew this would be a difficult conversation when it finally came. 

Lexa took a deep breath. Clarke was still silent, looking straight at her, defiantly. Drawing herself up to full height she began, “Clarke of the sky-people, this is-“

“Really?” Clarke cut her off, raising an eyebrow, “Clarke of the sky-people? When did you go back to that? After you left me standing outside Mount Weather thinking about how my friends were dying? After you broke the truce and made a new one with a sociopath?”

“I-I’m …” Lexa was lost for words and deflated slightly. She had no idea what a sociopath was but she guessed it was bad and that it described Dante. Lexa knew the kind of man he was.

“This is not the time for this conversation Clarke.” She replied.

“The hell it isn’t.” Clarke continued. “Do you have any idea what I had to do? The decision I was forced to make? Why it’s led to me not being able to go home out of guilt and shame for what I did?”

“I heard. You did what you had to do to save your people.” Lexa replied. “In times of war, leaders have to make decisions that they shouldn’t have to in order to save those you serve as leader. I sacrificed allies outside the mountain to save my people, the same as you sacrificed those mountain men inside who chose to help you.”

“They had Kane. They had my Mother” Clarke said. Lexa stared at Clarke. She hadn’t known that. She had assumed that the only people left in the mountain were the small number of Clarke’s friends. The ones that had waged war on her clan.

“I-I didn’t know. Clarke I’m sorry, is she?”

“She’s safe. She had to be carried back to camp because they started to drill into her bones while I watched.” Clarke said. Lexa looked away, unable to say anything. Clarke didn’t want to feel it but she felt some satisfaction that she had hurt Lexa slightly. She wanted to make Lexa realise she was wrong to do what she did.

“I also had to make a decision to kill children Lexa. Children.” Clarke trailed away.

“And you think you could have spared them?” Lexa asked not looking at Clarke.

“Why not? We could have just killed the soldiers and the leadership. Donated marrow. Our doctors are geneticists. They could cure them.” Clarke stressed.

“And then what?” asked Lexa, “Bring them back to your camp to live happily with you?”

“Well, yes.” Clarke said, wondering where this was going.

Lexa continued in a gentler tone, “After you had killed their parents Clarke? Their families? You say you can’t even face your own people now. Could you look a child in their eyes and convince them you had to kill their loved ones? Those children would have grown up hating you and that camp.”

“I, well, I-“ it was Clarke’s turn to be lost for words but she could tell Lexa wasn’t feeling satisfaction. It was sadness.

“There was only one way that battle was going to end Clarke.” Lexa continued, “With the deaths of every man, woman and child in that mountain. If my warriors had gained entry, they would have slaughtered them all. Fifty years of torture and death. Blood must have blood. I told them to spare the innocent because that’s what you wanted, but even I couldn’t stop every warrior who wanted the mountain men to pay. In the heat of battle you can’t stop to look at who is innocent, who isn’t and who is deceiving you so they can plunge a dagger into your back. And remember, that army and the clan prisoners were not all my clan, Clarke. We took command of eleven other clan units after TonDC. Eleven other clans with no real loyalty to either of us except to get their own people back.”

Clarke hadn't considered that. She was now looking at her feet and sat down in a chair near the door.

“I am sorry you have to bear the pain you have, Clarke. You shouldn’t have to. I will take the blame if it helps you find peace. By making the truce I forced your hand. You don’t have to bear this alone.” Lexa appealed.

“So I’ve been told. No. It was my decision, my responsibility. Tell me about the deal.” Replied Clarke.

Lexa breathed deeply, “Does it matter?”

“To me, yes.” Clarke said simply.

“It was simple. The moment you exploded the bomb, Emmersen ceased fire and surrendered. He told me he was to make a deal in that situation. The mountain men would release our people, they weren’t the army you thought they were Clarke. They were weak and dying. He said they only needed the sky-people they had and that your camp would be left alone. I didn’t know about your Mother or Kane, Clarke. They said, if we took our people and left without further attack the reaping would end and we could live in peace.”

“And if you didn’t accept?” Clarke asked looking stoically at the opposite wall.

“Then my people in the mountain would be executed on mass. And missiles would be launched at clans across the land, and toward here, Polis, striking at the heart of our culture, our alliance, and it would be blamed on us and you. That would break the alliance and leave us open to vengeance and reprisals. Not that it would matter. As soon as the warriors found nothing but corpses in the mountain and realised I was responsible I would have been dead by morning, as would you, and your camp would have been destroyed along with everyone in it. They would hunt down and kill every Sky-person they could find.” The picture Lexa was painting was bleak.

She continued, “I can’t walk away like you Clarke. My command is spiritual, sacred and I can never give it up. My spirit chose this body to be commander and from the moment I was called, I forfeited the life I had. The life I could have had. It is no longer my life, it belongs to my people. The clan I have sworn unwavering loyalty to. I have always told you that my first priority is to them. My hopes, my dreams and my desires no longer matter and have to be cast off. All that matters is that I serve my people well and represent their hopes, their dreams. The only time I will be free of this duty, is with my final breath when my spirit leaves to find the next commander.”

Clarke stayed silent. She was starting to understand Lexa’s position in more detail, and that wasn’t in question. She could see the similarities between them, except that she had the opportunity to walk away, a luxury Lexa didn’t have. For all the violence, warfare and brutal tradition of this world, Lexa was really trying to progress, to work for peace at the cost of everything a young woman her age should take for granted. She felt sorry for Lexa. Her hopes and dreams and opportunities for personal happiness cast aside in an unfair exchange for unasked for duty, violence, loss and eventual death. Lexa’s life was one continuous battle stuck between a rock and a hard place with death being the only exit.

But still Clarke wanted answers. She saw the betrayal as a betrayal of her. Of the friendship they had, of whatever that friendship had started to become.

“I understand that Lexa.” Clarke finally said after a long silence. Lexa was on the opposite side of the room, standing, sadly looking at her feet.

Clarke swallowed then continued, “I understand it all. Why you did what you did. I know your position and that you have to think of your people first. But I thought you cared about me. You admitted as much.”

Lexa looked out the window, sucking her lips in. Clarke had seen that before, in moments when Lexa was unsure and thought nobody was watching. Clarke always found that attractive. It showed Lexa’s vulnerability, that she was a human, just a girl like her who could make mistakes and who occasionally needed comfort.

“I do care about you Clarke, you know that.” Lexa replied quietly.

“Then why did you betray me? I understand why you made the deal – you owe nothing to my friends. But you betrayed me? I begged you not to leave but you left me.” Clarke asked, her voice starting to break. This was what she wanted to know more than anything.

“You kissed me Lexa. Did that mean nothing?” She pleaded, getting to her feet. Clarke’s eyes started to sting again. ‘Dammit’ she thought.

Lexa had turned and placed both hands on the table, head bowed. This was not the time for this conversation and she felt confused and flushed and her head was spinning.

“It meant everything Clarke. I’ve never lied to you about that. Until you, I had nobody that knew what it was like for me. Another leader to understand in the same way. Costia wasn’t a leader. I loved her but it wasn’t the same.” Lexa had started to open up.

“Then why did you leave me?” Clarke asked gently.

“The deal meant my warriors would win and they would adhere to my orders of a truce with your people as well as the mountain men. The mountain men would remain a common enemy. I brought these twelve clans together in alliance because of that threat.”

Clarke realised the bigger picture, and what was at stake here, “Peace among the clans in the face of a bigger, more advanced enemy. Using sheer numbers and force against advanced weaponry? A stalemate.”

Lexa continued, sounding tired, “Once they were free to live outside the mountain, we could have been in a stronger position. Able to watch them, and attack with force and skill, if we needed to, instead of trying to get past those defences. Though I hoped it would never come to that. It was all down to my duty. I never wanted to hurt you Clarke but the opportunity weighed too much in our favour and there was no other choice at the time.”

“What’s happened now? In the senate?” Clarke asked, thinking of the dangerous looking situation in the senate earlier that day.  
“The legend of Clarke of the sky-people.” Lexa said simply. “The legend of one woman who singlehandedly destroyed the mountain men and the threat. The alliance of the twelve clans has broken, those representatives you saw leave today were the Ice Nation and the North Western clans. They are allying against us and the clans of the South East. I’m scared Clarke, if they march on us they may be too big. If they take Polis, they can spread out across these lands.”

“I did that?” Clarke asked, shocked to hear Lexa admit to being scared.

“The alliance would have broken eventually. The mountain men still had missiles, and a desire for territory. They would have broken the truce themselves. It’s not your fault.” Lexa assured her.

“I heard them mention us.” Clarke said.

“They consider you a danger. A bigger threat.” Lexa stated. “You killed the mountain men, a powerful enemy of us all. Someone with that power could take their place. I have been trying to convince them that your people are noble and only want peace. They think me weak. The alliance broke because of my weakness.”

“Because you want peace?” Clarke asked.

“We have a long way to go Clarke.” Lexa replied. “You should think about going home, warning your people.”

Clarke felt calmer than she had in a long time. She had wanted to get things of her chest for months and now the air was being cleared. She could see Lexa’s side. The impossible decisions she had to make to keep the peace, however fragile and uneasy that may be. The constant juggling and loss. And it was taking its toll on her. If Lexa could face this, then perhaps Clarke could face the guilt she felt. Her exile had been self-imposed and nobody at Camp Jaha, except maybe Jasper, blamed her. Lexa was facing Clarke and giving her closure. She could surely face Jasper, to give him closure over Maya's death, instead of running away from him.

And Lexa could see her side as well, although it seemed Lexa always had. 

Feelings that Clarke thought had died on a mountain months ago started to come back. She wanted to comfort the woman she had felt so much for. But could she put herself, and Lexa for that matter, through this again? Was it best to just part on an understanding, to go back and face her demons, accepting that she did what she did, as Lexa had said, to save her people and that the battle couldn’t have ended any other way? To warn her people of this new threat and somehow achieve atonement for something only she blamed herself for?

But the only person who gave her the understanding and support she needed through the run up to that battle was standing with her in this room. The woman who fostered and brought out her courage, fortitude and even necessary ruthlessness in the face of a morally complicated enemy. The woman who gave her hope and made her feel alive, until a single decision took it all away from her. The woman who wanted peace so desperately and who, Clarke had no doubt, loved her. A woman she had started to fall for, and for whom she still held those feelings. But could she ever trust her again?

She had to know for definite.

“Answer me one more thing Lexa.” Clarke said.

“What do you want to know?” asked Lexa quietly. She would answer anything, this conversation was started to hurt in ways she never thought possible and she just wanted it to be over. To distract herself with the issues of the new threat. When she made her decision on that mountain, months ago, her heart had broken. ‘Think with your head’ she had told herself. ‘You cannot make this decision with your heart. You have a duty to your own.’ But Clarke was becoming one of her own, Clarke’s people were too. Her Mother helping the injured of TonDC, Marcus who had the truest desire for peace she had ever seen and who was ready to die in a prisoner’s cell to bring about that peace. Octavia, who had embraced their ways more than any other and Bellamy, who risked his life to enter the mountain and disable the acid fog, allowing her to be in the position to even make that truce. Duty has a lot to answer for but in the end she had made the painful choice she made and she would always stick by that no matter how the pain now burned in her chest. No matter how feelings she thought had gone, in the moment she destroyed her own hopes and dreams for the safety of her clan, were flooding back.

Clarke swallowed, thinking hard about what she wanted to ask and how to ask the question she wanted a truthful answer to.

“That night.” Clarke began slowly, “On Mount Weather. When you told me of the deal. You said you made the decision with your head and not your heart.”

“I remember.” Said Lexa not looking at Clarke.

Clarke continued, “Tell me. Truthfully. What did your heart tell you?” 

The silence was long. Clarke waited patiently while Lexa remained, back turned, hands on the table, head bowed.

No answer.

Clarke sighed and slowly turned to the door.

“To stay.” Lexa said.

Clarke stopped and turned back. “To stay?” she asked.

Lexa continued, and before she realised everything was coming out, “To stay with you, for you. To forget about my duty, my people. To fight for you, at your side. To die for you if need be. To make sure you were safe and to help you free your people. To see you win. To see you happy. To see you smile.”

Clarke started to smile and her eyes began to sting again, but this time she didn’t care.

Lexa continued, “But it wasn’t telling me Clarke.”

“It wasn’t?” Clarke whispered.

“My heart was screaming at me Clarke. It was screaming at me.” Lexa ended with a sob. She tried to compose herself. This was unbecoming of a leader. Yet the stress of the situation in Polis, the coming threat and the weight of what had to be borne by someone so young was too much. This revelation had broken her defences and exposed feelings that had been bottled up ever since Costia had been, so violently and brutally, taken from her. Ever since she was foolish enough to say to herself that love and caring about others was a weakness.

Clarke saw Lexa’s body shaking and she knew this powerful young leader needed this release, to get these emotions into the open. With tears in her own eyes and forgiveness in her heart, Clarke walked over to Lexa.

Lexa couldn’t believe she was crying. She couldn’t stop. And then she felt herself being gently turned around. Two arms encircled her and Clarke was holding her, gently but securely. A hand moved to the back of Lexa’s head and gently pulled her into a shoulder covered by soft dirty blonde hair. A soft kiss on Lexa’s cheek followed. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist, accepting the comfort that only this person could ever provide. From the only person who could ever witness this emotion and who had always been correct in telling her that hiding from such feelings was the real weakness.

And Clarke’s words, gently whispered into her ear were soothing, and an acknowledgement of something said a long time ago to a startled young woman, woken by a beast’s growl as Lexa had gazed at her sleeping form.

“It’s ok. You’re safe.”

And finally the words that she had longed to hear for so long and that she thought she would never have the chance to hear.

“I’m never leaving you. I’m ready.”

**To be continued in Threats and Revelations**


End file.
